Shaken
by Little Rachael
Summary: After the fall of the One King, Luvais finds himself yearning for a new purpose in life.


He dedicated his life to fighting the Order. Now, they were finally defeated.

It was a very lonely feeling.

"Nora..." Luvias murmured his wife's name as he stood before what remained of Ladzaa Fortress. "The Order is gone for good. There won't be any more people who share your fate."

As he said this, tears came to his eyes. His wife was now part of the old world-one where emotion and thought were deemed fruitless rebellions against a predetermined future.

"The truth is, Nora, I feel further apart from you than ever before." He sank to his knees under an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. "I know that nothing's changed. It's not as though you were alive before the fall of the Order. But now that they're gone..." The tears in his eyes ran down his cheeks. "I just don't know what to do. Help me, Nora...please..."

Suddenly, Luvais was thrown to the ground by what felt like a massive push.

"What is this? Another earthquake?" It wasn't as strong as the last one, but it was enough to rock him back and forth. He grabbed the edge of the bridge and held on tight.

When he thought the earthquake was over, he stood up...just in time for an aftershock to send him tumbling into the water below.

As soon as Luvais hit the water, he knew he was in danger. He could swim, but the current was too fast for him to reach the surface. Every time he made any headway, he was rapidly pushed under again. Flashes of his life with Nora sped through his brain...

"Luvais..."

"Yes?"

"You're looking at me like that again."

"Like what?"

"Like you think I'm going to disappear."

"Well..." Luvais reached out to touch her cheek. "I just can't believe I can finally hold you in my arms like this, and call you my wife." He pressed his lips against the bridge of her nose and whispered, "I feel like it's too good to be true."

"You're awfully sweet, you know that?" Nora wrapped her arms around Luvais' neck and pulled him closer. "I'm so lucky to have married a man like you. And to celebrate, I want you to make love to me over and over again."

"Oh...Oh, Nora..." Luvais embraced his wife and prepared to enter her again.

"Please, Nora. You can get better. There's a cure, and can bring it to you. You don't have to die from this illness."

"Luvais..."

He barely recognized her. Her face was thin and pale, and her eyes seemed distant. Beads of sweat dotted her skin, and her voice was barely a whisper.

"How did this happen?" Luvais asked, his voice rising in panic. "Why didn't I know about this? You've been suffering alone all this time, and nobody told me!"

"I haven't been alone." An almost ethereal smile drifted on Nora's face. "Other Order members have been here to ease my suffering. But I haven't been a good follower...I've been selfish." Her smile flickered as tears filled her eyes and ran down her temples into her hair.

"Selfish?" Once Luvais saw his wife crying, he could no longer hold back his own tears. "How could you possibly have been selfish? You haven't done anything wrong by getting sick."

"It's not that I got sick," she whispered. "It's that my heart still longed for you. They told me it was sinful to wish to see you, because if you were predetermined to be there, you would."

"Oh, Nora..." Luvais wrapped his arms around his wife and wept. "Forgive me. Forgive me for not being with you more. Oh, my dear, most precious love...I never forgot you. If only they had told me..."

"But they needed you. That's why it was selfish of me to want to see you." Nora reached out to return the embrace. "That doesn't matter. I'm so happy to see you again." Then, she whispered right in his ear, so softly she could barely hear it, "Don't change. If everything's predetermined, then you may as well do what makes you happy. The Order can't see that, and they never will."

"No...Nora..." Luvais trembled. "Don't talk like that. When you say those things, you sound like you're going to die! Nora!"

"That's enough, Luvais. It's time to go now." A heavy hand settled on Luvais' shoulder. "You're exciting her."

"Wait." Luvais' arms automatically tightened around his wife. "Please...Please, just let me stay a little longer."

"I'm not excited," Nora insisted, even as her breathing grew heavier. "Please let him stay."

"I'm afraid that's impossible," the Order soldier said. "Luvais is needed on another mission. You should be happy to have a husband who can serve the Order so well."

"I am happy." Again, that frighteningly serene smile appeared on Nora's face, and Luvais realized that it was her deception smile. She knew what the Order wanted to see, and she gave it to them.

But clearly, she was suffering.

"You will let me kiss her, at least?" he asked the soldier.

"Be quick about it," he answered.

Luvais set his wife back down on her mattress. "I love you," he said, and their lips met for what he hoped would not be the last time.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were needed elsewhere. Sending word to you of your wife's death would have distracted you from your mission." The secretary's frown deepened. "And it was necessary to keep her free some any doubts you might have put into her head."

Luvais was incredulous. "Doubt? I never did anything of the sort!"

"Lies do not become you, Luvais. On the last occasion you saw your wife, you began spouting nonsense about giving her medicine-right in front of Order soldiers. You're fortunate that we did not label you a miscreant and execute you on the spot. You caused your wife more pain by implying that she was on the incorrect path."

"No...!" Luvais fell to his hands and knees. "Don't say that! I'm her husband! I would never do anything to hurt her." Angry tears ran down his cheeks. "She would have lived if-"

The secretary cut off Luvais with a loud thump of his cane. "Enough! You are dangerously close to blaspheming against everything the Order stands for. Instead of wasting time grieving over something that was _already predetermined_, perhaps you should focus all your energy on fighting the enemy."

"...Yes, sir. Forgive me." _What was I thinking? He's right. From now on, I will focus on fighting my wife's enemy._

"Uh...Am I...alive...?"

Before Luvais could say another word, he began to cough.

"Oh, good. If you're breathing, then you'll be all right." Strong arms were wrapped around his body, and he was pulled up into a sitting position. "If that earthquake had been like the one that hit six months ago, I doubt there would have been anything I could do."

Luvais knew the voice's owner even before he opened his eyes. "Lady...Selen...?"

"Just be thankful I didn't have to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on ya." Selen winked. "I can provide plenty of brawn, but I'm not too good with the medical stuff."

"I guess it's a good thing you were here." Luvais sighed.

"What do you mean, you 'guess'? Don't tell me you were going to drown yourself."

He shook his head. "Nothing like that. I was just wondering what it is I want to do from now on."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you know about my wife?"

"No. I didn't know you had one."

"Not a lot of people do. She's been dead for 12 years."

"Oh..." Selen's gaze dropped. "I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't mind."

Selen listened silently as Luvais told her about his marriage to Nora, her illness and death, and how it led him to decide to fight the Order. Not only did he find her easy to talk to, but just the way she listened made him feel like they understood each other.

"...I feel like I've lost my purpose in life," he finished.

"I felt that way, too," she said. "Fifteen years ago, in fact...

"I had just given birth to Jayle two weeks before. My husband left to explore some nearby ruins and never came back.

"At first, I was certain he would return. I took care of Jayle and worked to support the two of us, even as my anxiety increased. I just couldn't believe that he would die so soon after such a joyous event. We were going to be family-he couldn't just _die_. It was too tragic, too unfair to be real."

"I see." Luvais pondered the differences between the circumstances of their partners' deaths.

"But before long, I began to realize that he wasn't coming back. I began to obsess over where he was. Had he left me for another woman? Was he alive and being tortured somewhere? Was he slowly starving to death? It was all I could think about."

"But you did learn how to move on, didn't you?"

Selen laughed nervously. "I wish I could say I reached deep inside myself and found a new source of inner strength. But the truth is, Jud's body was found by a Magedom explorer. It was a great relief to me. I mourned his death, of course, but by that time, I'd already been grieving for over a year. And I was glad to learn that he had been killed by a wild beast and probably didn't suffer for very long."

"So..." A sad smile formed on Luvais' face. "Is there no hope for me?"

"I wouldn't say that." She squeezed his shoulder affectionately. "I think a vagabond like you will find something to live for with time. Something has happened to re-awaken the grief you felt at your beloved's passing. That never really went away, did it?"

"No, it didn't. But...but I..." Luvais burst into tears as he felt Selen hug him tight. "When I had something to do, I was able to ignore it!"

"I know..." Selen murmured. "I know..."

As Luvais wept in Selen's arms, he felt relief at finally being able to express himself. When was the last time he had truly cried like this? It felt _nice_. Her body was warm, her voice soothing.

_It's like when I was with Nora._

_She held him for several minutes, even after his sobs had softened into sniffles. An overwhelming tiredness settled over him, and he was tempted to drift off to sleep in her arms, but he returned the hug instead._

_"Thank you," he whispered in her ear._

_"You're welcome."_

_"Awww...You really leavin', Luvais?" Sieg scratched his head with an unhappy look on his face. "But you've been so helpful. And we'll miss ya. You're a part of our family now, after all."_

_Luvais chuckled. "I admit, I will miss all of you. Especially you, Sieg, and Selen. You have both done so much to help me."_

_"No way." Sieg shook his head, wide-eyed. "You're the one who's always...Huh? Jayle's mom helped ya?"_

_"Yes. In very much the same way you did."_

_"That so?" Sieg gave Luvais a big grin. "Well, that's good, I guess. If you really wanna go, I can't stop ya, but will you come back every now and then? We'd love to have ya."_

_"Of course. There's no reason to say goodbye forever." Luvais gave a small bow and turned on his heel. "See you around, Sieg."_

_Sieg watched him leave, then stretched and looked up at the sky. "He looked happier than I've seen him a long time. Selen must have said something really good to him. I wonder what it was?"_

_"Sieg!" Marica's voice yanked him back to the present. "We've got another request for your help! Stop daydreaming and get your butt in gear!"_

_"Oh, ah...Comin', Marica!" Sieg took one more look at Luvais' retreating form, then turned around to head inside._

_THE END_


End file.
